Nar-ci-si vs Nar-cist?!

I love yellow. So I love narcisi. As a child I loved learning about nature and animals. I was felt attracted towards the narcisi flower and at the same a bit agitated, haha! But I have the same feeling about red roses. They are stealing my spotlight, hah! As a young woman growing up in a troubled household with troubled siblings, that perception changed drastically. From what used to be magnificent, alone, withstanding bright yellow flower , the narcisi flower all of a sudden turned into a ''complex psychological thing'' for me in my twenties.

Unfortuanatly, even since my parents divorced when I was 20 years, my mother became obsessed with the narcissi flower, and the negative psychological association that comes along with it, being selfish and ruthless to others. My mother would tell me over and over again that my father is a very bad human being, a severe sick, psychopath and above all a sickening narcist.

I never wished for my parents to divorce. I was devasted when they seperated. Especially because I was always used to having my parents around as a child growing up. To this day, I feel guilty and ashamed. People would tell me to stop acting childish and move on with my life. I felt unheard. I feel like nobody really openly understands what it is really like to grow up in a schizophrenic household with 2 complete different cultures, at the same time also feeling misunderstood by your people.

Being born in the Netherlands, growing up as a Moroccan daughter with parents that are way more educated, modern, liberal, tolerant than most Moroccan families I know in the Hague. I feel very misunderstood. Especially by what the media portrays about the Moroccan culture. I feel pushed into a corner, agitated because I don't like the media portraying the Moroccan woman as violent, a victim or mentally unstable. I feel stigmatized with my Morccan last name when I apply for a job, and great deal of culture clash. Not only with Dutch local people but also with Moroccan families who have their families in the Netherlands from the nineteen sixties. Growing up with my parents and siblings this was a challenge because most Moroccan families and household were very conservative and not outgoing. My mom especially found this very difficult, boring and felt misunderstood. Both my parents are highly educated and come from the city. Even my grandparents grew up in the city and didn't stay in the village (Nador) after the French colonalization.

Now, as a 32 year old woman, I have learned that being narcistic isn't such a bad thing. As a matter of fact, it's healthy and quite normal to have a narcistic personality. We are living in a digital society in which people are becoming more and more narcistic. And that is oke. When I search on the definiiton on Google, the following appeared:

Definitions of narcist. someone in love with themselves. synonyms: narcissist. selfish person. a person who is unusually selfish.

It's not selfish to love yourself. You can be a narcistic personality and still care for others. As long as you don't manipulate, abuse or misuse people. I think it's very healthy to carry a certain dosis of narcisi. Self-love radiates positivity, confidence which builds trust.There is nothing wrong with loving yourself and looking in the mirror. As a matter of fact, you feel a certain inner peace.

I love the narcisi flower. For me, narcisi represent perfection, strenght and resilience.